| How
About ME?
Helping your children deal with their
special-needs sibling.
Dr. Linda Sonna
PARENTGUIDE News September 2006
Love. Frustration. Compassion. Embarrassment.
Jealousy. Guilt. Admiration.
Children commonly struggle with a variety of intense, conflicting emotions
about a special-needs sibling they love but find very trying. Worse, they
usually struggle alone.
That’s because your entire household is likely to revolve around
a child that has a serious emotional, mental or physical challenge. Add
your worries about his current problems and uncertain future to all of
his doctors’ appointments, special school meetings and your extra
load of daily caregiving chores, and your other children can easily get
lost in the shuffle.
Some children act out to distract from a sibling who garners so much parental
attention in an effort to get some for themselves. But a more common reaction
is to follow parents’ lead and focus on the special-needs child
to the exclusion of virtually all else. Many tots serve as helpmates,
fetching diapers and doing other small but important chores. By elementary
school, many children sound like professionals when discussing their sibling’s
progress, problems and prognosis. Middle school children may serve as
full-fledged surrogate caregivers for a challenged sibling and confidantes
for their overwhelmed parents.
Despite the many drawbacks, a special-needs sibling provides some character-building
benefits. Because you are too busy to respond to your children’s
every demand and cannot fulfill their every whim, they are more likely
to learn to delay gratification, tolerate frustration and persevere. From
witnessing their sibling’s struggles, they develop empathy and compassion
and become more accepting of differences. Managing important household
tasks builds self-discipline, and your other children are likely to be
exceptionally conscientious and responsible. After spending years nurturing
a sibling, many children go on to become therapists, physical therapists
and doctors.
Nevertheless, these other children have emotional needs of their own.
Too many youngsters end up suppressing their feelings, wants and desires
to the point that they cannot even identify them. They may keep their
problems to themselves so as not to add to your burdens. While your special-needs
child gets support, your other children may not have anyone to talk to.
This puts them at risk for depression.
The best thing you can do for your children is provide them with some
much-needed individual attention. Carve out five or ten minutes of uninterrupted
time each day to talk about subjects that interest them. Or, if they are
doers rather than talkers, take a daily walk or bike ride together, wrestle
or play a game of cards. Stave off interruptions and avoid discussions
about their sibling.
Alternatively, enlist a guidance counselor, relative or neighbor to spend
an hour a week with your other children. And consider your own need for
an hour a week to kick back and do your own thing. A short break will
undoubtedly help you be a better parent to all of your children.
Dr. Linda Sonna is a psychologist and the author of ten parenting
books, including The Everything Toddler Book, The Everything Tween Book,
The Everything Parenting a Teenager Book, The Parent’s Guide to
Attention Deficit Disorder, and The Parent’s Guide to Raising Siblings
(Adams Media Corporation). See www.DrSonna.org for information.
PARENTGUIDE News September 2006
|
