| Oh
Behave
Help in raising a self-disciplined child.
by Robert Brooks, Ph.D., and Sam Goldstein, Ph.D.
PARENTGUIDE News November 2007
We all want our children to possess self-discipline. The skills of self-discipline
help children be responsible, follow rules and behave appropriately
in and out of the home— from the classroom and playground to the
doctor and dentist offices.
Many parents feel perplexed about the most effective ways to help their
children develop self-discipline. Meanwhile, one of the most important
roles of a parent is that of a disciplinarian. In fulfilling this role,
remember that the word “discipline” derives from the word
“disciple.” Discipline is best understood as a teaching
process. And if discipline is seen as a form of education, then children
should not associate it with intimidation, humiliation or embarrassment.
Similarly, by placing discipline in the context of an educational process,
parents may realize that discipline has two major functions. The first
is to ensure that children have a consistent, safe and secure environment
in which they can learn reasonable rules, limits and consequences, as
well as develop an understanding of why these boundaries are essential.
The second function, equally as important but not as emphasized, is
to nurture self-discipline and self-control.
Applying discipline to teach self-discipline is often a challenging
task. We want children to incorporate rather than dismiss what we are
trying to teach them. However, children come to the world with different
pre-dispositions and capacities. Some children easily develop self-discipline
whereas others struggle. Some children are responsive to disciplinary
techniques, able to quickly shift their behavior after a single negative
experience or disciplinary intervention, whereas others are less able
to modify their actions.
Here are some tips to help your child develop the self-discipline necessary
to maintain good behavior in and out of the home.
•Recognize that discipline is a teaching process aimed at reinforcing
self-discipline. With this in mind, you can guide your actions with
the questions, “How do I understand my children’s behavior?”
and “Are my children learning self-discipline, responsibility
and accountability from me, or is my message getting lost amid feelings
of resentment and anger?” If parents view children as wild horses
to be broken— a comment a parent once made to us— parents
are more likely to punish and intimidate, especially if children do
not respond promptly or consistently to requests and demands.
•The quality of the parent-child relationship is a crucial part
of a positive disciplinary approach. Children are more likely to listen
to adults they perceive as fair, empathic and respectful, than to adults
who seem arbitrary, inconsistent and angry. We often tell parents that
discipline is most effective when housed within a positive relationship.
•The end result of discipline is not to produce compliant, obedient
children. Though such children may follow rules, some may do so out
of fear without appreciating the rationale for rules. Instead, discipline
should reinforce responsibility in children. Make sure your children
understand the purpose of rules and consequences. If they believe that
rules are imposed upon them arbitrarily, they will have more difficulty
incorporating these rules as guideposts in their daily lives.
•Self-discipline involves a person accepting ownership and responsibility
for the rules that govern his or her life. Self-discipline, therefore,
is associated with a sense of personal control. Personal control involves
recognizing that we are the authors of our own lives— that we
must not seek our happiness by waiting for someone else to change. When
faced with a problem, a self-disciplined person asks, “What can
I do to change the situation?”
•Apply disciplinary techniques that encourage your children to
use problem-solving and decision-making skills. Learning to think before
acting and considering different options for solving conflicts develops
the very essence of self-discipline.
•Reinforce what you want to see. Too often, parents equate discipline
with punishment. But punishment is typically the least effective form
of discipline, as it focuses on what children should not do rather than
reinforcing what we would like children to do. Positive feedback and
encouragement tend to be far more effective disciplinary strategies
than punishment. If we want positive behaviors to continue, we must
reward them. We tend to forget that a simple comment such as “thanks”
can dramatically change a child’s negative behavior.
•Parents who are effective disciplinarians recognize that they
get better results from a proactive rather than a reactive approach.
A proactive approach complements problem solving. It motivates parents
to be empathic and attempt to understand what is eliciting their child’s
problem behavior, and then ask, “Are there ways of modifying the
situation in order to deter my child from behaving in that way?”
Being proactive also prompts parents to contemplate ways to involve
children in finding adequate solutions to problems.
Doctors Robert Brooks, Ph.D., and Sam Goldstein, Ph.D., are on
the faculties of Harvard Medical School and George Mason University,
respectively. They have co-authored ten books. Their recent book, Raising
a Self-Disciplined Child: Help Your Child Become More Responsible, Confident,
and Resilient (McGraw-Hill) is now in bookstores.
|
