Conflict Artists
Understanding power struggles in families.
by Erik Fisher, Ph.D

PARENTGUIDE News March 2008

“But my family gets along just fine!”

Often people believe their family is problem-free, when in reality, screaming, yelling, name-calling and physical aggression are all part of their daily routine. Whether sibling rivalries, parents behaving badly or constant child tantrums are the culprits brushed under the rug, these patterns of conflict generally endure from generation to generation. What are the factors that start these conflicts, and why do they continue across time?
The underlying issue that drives all conflicts is power. It’s that simple. In our world, we are frequently taught that there are different levels of power, and we are either supposed to accept our place or advance our position by undermining, controlling or manipulating other people’s power. This instinct is no different within families. After all, family is the first place for us to observe power struggles.

We usually grow to feel that our parents manipulate our sense of power through threats, punishments and painful words. And it is from these behaviors that we learn to protect our own power at any cost.

In my experience in working with families, I find that most families with problematic conflicts have parents who exhibit one of four main characteristics:
1. Parents are manipulative and try to push the buttons of their children with threats, empty promises or gifts.
2. Parents are directly controlling, and try to force their children to do things that breed resentment and conflict.
3. Parents are inconsistent and send mixed messages to their kids without regular guidance or support, thus encouraging children to establish dominance among themselves and against their parents.
4. Parents have unwittingly or purposely pitted their kids against each other, regardless of their motivation.

In almost all of these situations, parents are either blind to the way they’re approaching issues, or they are unable or unwilling to admit that they perpetuate conflicts even when confronted.

When your children feel that you as a parent are looking out more for yourself than you are for them, they stop trusting you. And when people— children included— do not feel safe, they believe they need to take matters into their own hands. Therefore, your children will either challenge you for power or submit themselves to others’ total control— also not a healthy option.

As a parent, remember that the emotion underlying our desire for power is fear. If we are in a position of powerlessness, we fear others can harm or control us. If we are in a position of power, we fear that the people “below us” want to revolt. Although these underlying feelings are ever-present, we often attempt to hide them from others because we are taught to look good, strong or right. Ultimately, we strive to appear as “winners” and not “losers,” those who are bad, wrong or weak. In fact, most family conflicts persist because one or both parties are trying to prove that they are better, stronger or more correct in a belief or attitude than the other party.

Kids typically compete for love and acceptance from their parents, and parents may indirectly encourage such conflicts while wanting to push their kids to be better. Because parents have to feel they are good, strong and/or right, they have a hard time admitting when they make mistakes. This then teaches children to deny their own mistakes. The outcome is a family full of people who do not accept responsibility for their actions, often blaming everyone else for their mistakes.

Whether the conflicts are passive aggressive or outwardly aggressive, they are commonly left unresolved in families as children grow into adulthood. When it comes to family conflicts, parents have two choices: to allow destructive patterns to dictate family relations, or to pro-actively allow both parent and child to feel ample power in a mutually trusting relationship. Parents generally find that differences and conflicts start to recede when parents work with their children toward a single goal— a peaceful relationship.

Common Sources of Conflict
•Your family of origin. See if you can find some similar patterns that are happening in your current family. What did you learn about trust and fear in your family? How did you resolve conflicts? How did you express love?

•Your behaviors and motivations, and/or that of your spouses. Be willing to seek help from a professional on these issues. Often parents ask friends or family members if they see any problems or patterns, and many loved ones do not feel comfortable giving honest feedback or may have some similar issues and therefore don’t see them.

•Patterns of conflict in your relationship with your spouse. Did your kids learn how to fight and argue from the two of you? Is conflict the norm in your family? Do you think that all families fight and argue? Do you think that screaming, yelling and hitting are signs of affection? Hopefully your answers to these questions are no. Family members do not have to relate with aggression.

•Using age or gender as an excuse for a child’s behaviors or responsibilities. Try to focus on children’s strengths and weaknesses. Don’t say, “your little brother’s younger and doesn’t know better,” or “your sister is just a little girl.” Kids will figure out your attitudes and beliefs, and use them to their advantage.

•Turning conflicts into lectures and punishments. There may be consequences after your kids get into a conflict, but ask your children how they may be feeling. Parents are often surprised to find out that their kids feel unloved or treated unfairly.

•Brushing away children’s feelings. It can feel frustrating for parents to hear that their kids feel betrayed, cheated, unloved, rejected or treated differently than siblings. It might be tempting to tell kids they are wrong, emphasizing just how lucky your children are or how grateful they should be. Instead, listen to how your children may be correct in their critiques, and look for solutions.

•Inconsistency in your actions. Find consistent consequences for your kids, and follow through on them.

•Always coming to your child’s rescue. Encourage your children to find solutions to their conflicts. Be careful to notice if you take one of your children’s sides over the others.

Erik Fisher, Ph.D., has been a public speaker and family therapist for 13 years, and is the author of The Art of Empowered Parenting: The Manual You Wish Your Kids Came With (Ovation Books). He has been a guest contributor on CNN, NBC and www.webmd.com, and to Psychology Today and Redbook among other notable programs and publications. Fisher lives with his wife and daughter in Atlanta, Georgia, where he runs a private psychology practice for children, adults, couples and families. To learn more, visit www.erikfisher.com.