| Building
the Foundation
The seven emotional needs of a child.
by Wes Fleming
PARENTGUIDE NEWS
February 2008
Unmet emotional needs can inhibit a child’s future.
A child whose emotional tank is regularly filled, however, is typically
more resilient and less peer dependent, as well as more likely to become
a confident and responsible adult. A child has seven emotional needs.
These seven needs form the acronym PARENTS, as children’s basic
emotional needs include Protection, Acceptance, Recognition, Enforced
limits, Nearness, Time and Support.
Protection
Children need to feel safe. They need a home where conflicts are resolved
quickly and respectfully and where a parent’s behavior is predictable
and trustworthy. Trust flourishes in homes where children know they can
run into their Mom, Dad or caregiver’s arms at any moment and find
love and support. Without a healthy capacity to trust, intimacy and interdependency
become challenging, if not impossible, to experience. And when a parent
struggles with intense mood swings, an addiction, explosive anger or chronic
anxiety, a child feels abandoned, unloved and fearful. Children are unable
to fully understand and accept parents’ good reasons for being preoccupied
about the bills, angry toward a spouse and worried about a chronically
ill relative. Kids simply feel the absence of a dependable and caring
adult, and react with feelings of hurt and resentment.
Acceptance
Children crave acceptance. They crave it from their peers, teachers, coaches
and, most importantly, they crave it from you— their parents. Children
desperately want to know that despite natural limitations, physical imperfections
and marginal performance levels, they are still worthy of love.
Our response to our children’s need for acceptance is their primary
source of self-perception. We are the first mirror at which our children
gaze. Our children look at our faces and see a reflection of their worth
and value— or lack of it. If our typical response to our child is
patient and respectful, our child’s general view of himself will
be positive. If, however, we are routinely critical and harsh toward our
child, his beliefs about himself will be negative, resulting in low self-esteem
and corresponding behaviors that are often self-sabotaging in nature.
Recognition
It crushes a child to feel like a failure in his parent’s eyes.
Though at times their desire is disguised, your children have a profound
yearning to please you. They need to hear parents say: “I’m
proud of you. Good job. I respect you.” They need to feel your approval.
Indeed, if approval is withheld or lacking at home, a child eventually
loses hope in receiving approval. As a result, such a child often becomes
sullen and cynical in disposition. The effects of this despair are far
reaching.
Children from homes that are high on expectation and low on affirmation
commonly grow up with a nagging sense of inadequacy. Their emotional logic
tells them that if they are unable to win their parents’ approval,
they must be deficient in some way. They conclude that they are “not
good enough.” As they mature, they may resort to compulsive people
pleasing to gain what was lost in childhood, or demonstrate excessive
work habits in an angry attempt to prove to themselves and others that
they are good enough. Paradoxically, a lack of recognition in childhood
can cause adults to retreat into unproductive lives and fall short of
achievements well within their grasp. Their haunting sense of inadequacy
may precipitate chronic procrastination, avoidance of responsibility and
self-defeating behaviors. In short, the pain of criticism, disapproval
and rejection is so great that they avoid the risk of responsibility and
even success.
Enforced Limits
Kids need reasonable, clearly communicated and enforced boundaries at
home as much as they need them on the softball field. Without rules, a
child feels desperate, aimless and afraid. Without loving discipline,
children feel a lack of protection and care. Sometimes “acting out”
is the way a child expresses a need for structure and safety in what he
senses is a chaotic, unpredictable and threatening environment. In a sense,
a child really does ask for discipline.
Firm guidance and boundaries demonstrate our willingness to help our children
find the control they seek. Kids need parents and caregivers who love
them enough to say “no” and mean it. They may even feel resentful
toward parents who don’t set limits. Kids want a parent they can
respect and trust. They need a parent, not a pal.
Nearness
Hugging, holding and even affectionate wrestling with your child deposits
memory sensations of comfort and security that endure throughout life.
Likely, the most powerful way to assure a child that he is loved and safe
is to hold him in your arms. Children think concretely— they are
hands-on learners. Your arms and hands provide a child with a deeply assuring
sense of protection, comfort and worth.
A parent’s nearness also lets a child know that he is worth holding.
Affection communicates “You are so dear to me that I want to hold
you and keep you safe.”
Time
How does a child spell love? T-I-M-E. Kids need lots of it— both
quality and quantity. Good relationships require focused attention (quality)
and lots of time together (quantity).
Having fun with our kids simply by playing with them sends a powerful
message: “You are interesting, fun and worth being around.”
It’s not enough for our children to know we are present; they must
know we enjoy being present with them. When we chase, laugh, tickle and
tease, we are authentic, spontaneous and our real selves. Our children
know the difference between parental duty and joyful celebration, and
long for the moments when we enjoy playing a card game, reading a storybook
and going on a backyard camping trip.
A careful look at our datebooks may reveal that the problem isn’t
so much a shortage of time, but how we spend it. Though many parents feel
the need to work long hours in order to put food on the table, censuses
show that the majority of us work to put stuff in the garage. Though it
may feel, at times, like we are compelled against our will to carry a
staggering workload, the truth is we have choices. We choose the job,
we agree to overtime, we opt to stay in demanding careers. Our children
need us to choose wisely.
Support
Just as our children needed our physical support when they first learned
to walk, they need emotional support as they toddle unsteadily toward
an unknown future as teens. Contrary to popular belief, teens want support.
They relish our non-anxious listening, compassion, encouragement and judgment-free
counsel.
Children and teens are far less resistant to our support when we affirm
their autonomy and problem solve with them. Yet, deep inside an adolescent
is a powerful need for independence. Teens’ passion for freedom
should be regarded as an inherent drive that moves them out of the house
and toward responsible self-care. Rather than fight their lust for independence,
work with it. Give your children the freedom to rise and fall, while maintaining
boundaries that protect them from serious injury. Let them know that your
strong arm and friendly counsel are available— but only if they
ask for your support!
Meeting our children’s seven emotional needs lays
a foundation for their future. A dependable source of love and safety
develops a healthy capacity to trust and an accurate self-image, which
in turn provides children with the tools they need to overcome life’s
adversities and enjoy its benefits. With a full emotional tank, children
are ready to tread the road before them.
Wes Fleming, author, parent and teacher trainer,
brings humor and insight to parenting in his book Raising Children on
Purpose (Whitaker House Publishing). For speaking engagements, contact
publicist Joy Ike at (877)7930-9800 or joy@whitakerhouse.com. See Fleming’s
faith-based seminars and products at www.cominghomeministries.com.
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