What's On Your Mind?
Being involved in the lives of your kids - without being annoying.

PARENTGUIDE NEWS Februray 2007

As kids mature, the balance between being involved in their lives while also providing them with autonomy is something that all parents struggle with. After all, having Mom or Dad “too involved” is definitely not cool. A recent KidsHealth® KidsPoll asked kids what they thought about their relationship with their parents. In a nutshell, kids would like them to be there... but please don’t ask too many questions.

KidsPoll found that when it comes to parents asking them what goes on in their life, the majority of kids (55 percent) said that their parents talk to them more than they want, with only 14 percent reporting that their parents talk to them less than they would like. Conversely, 43 percent of kids reported that they wanted their parents to be more involved in their school life.

D’Arcy Lyness, Ph.D., a child and adolescent psychologist and medical editor for KidsHealth.org, explains that this is not surprising. “As children become more independent, they may begin to share less with their parents about the details of their day because they have already shared them with their peers. In response, many parents begin to ask their kids even more questions— almost ‘interviewing’ them about the day’s events.” Lyness explains that this can lead to a relationship where the child becomes more resistant, using many familiar one-word responses such as “fine” or “okay.”

“Creating moments during the day to spend time with your child, such as making breakfast together or watering the garden, can provide an excellent opportunity for a child to open up,” Lyness continued. “It isn’t about the bacon and eggs— it’s about spending time, even if it’s only ten minutes. Making sure there are moments together when you’re not stressed and rushing can provide a chance for kids to share what’s on their minds without the pressure to communicate through questions and answers.”

How can parents keep the lines of communication open without talking too much or asking too many questions? KidsHealth.org, the most-visited Web site for children’s health information, offers these tips for parents:
•Make time together. Having a parent’s company, time and attention helps kids feel loved, supported and secure— all ingredients for an environment that encourages sharing.
•Request more details. Sometimes kids mention something without elaborating. Instead of asking 20 questions, let them say it their way, then invite them to share with an open-ended statement such as, “Tell me more about what happened or what it was like...”
•Be a good listener. Listen with genuine interest and encourage kids to keep going. Show that you have time to hear what they have to say and don’t be too quick to offer opinions or advice.
•Be pleased and proud. Let kids know what makes you proud of them. When they tell you about an experience, find something to praise. Your positive reaction encourages kids to talk more.
•Share your experiences. Talk about what is happening in your life or something that happened to you that may have been interesting, enjoyable, frustrating or challenging. By talking about your everyday experiences, you’re showing kids how it’s done. Chances are good that your child will chime in and do the same.
•Do something. Play a board game, shoot some hoops or run an errand. An activity done together provides bonding time and allows conversation to happen spontaneously.

Lyness tells parents, “Don’t worry if sometimes kids don’t have much to say. The important thing isn’t knowing what happened every day. What’s important is to maintain and build the relationship and an emotional connection. And that’s more about just being there than what you say.”

KidsHealth is the largest and most-visited site on the Web providing doctor-approved health information about children from before birth through adolescence. Created by The Nemours Foundation’s Center for Children’s Health Media, the award-winning KidsHealth provides families with accurate, up-to-date and jargon-free health information. Visit www.kidshealth.org.