| Girls
on the Attack
Combatting the rise in female bullying.
PARENTGUIDE News August 2006
What’s happening to girls today? According to the FBI,
national assault arrests for girls jumped 40.9 percent between 1992-2003,
while similar arrests for boys dropped by 16.4 percent. On other fronts,
one in four American high school girls reported sparring at least once
in a recent one-year period, and the century-old national children’s
crisis charity, KidsPeace, which helps thousands of youngsters at 63
centers each day to overcome traumas and crises in their young lives,
reports a significant uptick in helping girls deal with bullying and
violence.
“One of the big problems about aggression and bullying among girls
is that many of us don’t recognize it when we see it, and we don’t
know what to do about it when we do recognize it,” says KidsPeace
president and CEO, C.T. O’Donnell II.
“Traditional aggression roles are changing,” says Dr. Herbert
Mandell, medical director of KidsPeace and the KidsPeace Children’s
Hospital in Orefield, PA. “Aggression in girls and young women
has gotten significantly more dangerous and women have begun to close
the gap with the guys.”
To help parents, teachers and others to recognize the signs of girl
aggression (which are often overlooked or misinterpreted), and help
the bullied, the bullies themselves and bystanders (those who witness
female bullying but are not sure how to intervene), O’Donnell,
Mandell and experts at the KidsPeace Institute have put together a list
of tips and resources:
Things We Should Know About Female Bullying
•Female bullying is different than male bullying. Many times girls
do not fit exclusively into one category— bully, victim or bystander.
Very often their behavior depends on the situation. They may alternate
roles depending on whom they are with and dynamics of the current social
structure.
•Girls are known to be less physical and more “discreet”
in their bullying than boys. This may be due to the fact that girls
are socialized to avoid overt and physical displays of anger. In order
to express their feelings, they resort to subversive and passive-aggressive
forms of interaction.
•It is important to “keep tabs” on girls even if you
(or they) don’t think they are being bullied, because they themselves
may often not realize what’s going on. If a girl tells her she’s
“fat,” she may believe her. If she’s not included
in a sleepover, she may believe she doesn’t deserve to go. These
comments and power plays can be internalized until her self-concept
and self-esteem are destroyed, all without her knowing what’s
happening or before any adult can intervene.
Helping the Victim
•Encourage the victim to talk. Talking to a trusted, caring person
reduces the isolation of a victim and helps build up her confidence
so she can face the problem. This may be the one thing that prevents
a girl from going to an extreme (such as suicide) to cope with the situation.
•Be an ally. Any girl who is being victimized by bullying and
aggression needs to know she can enlist the help and support of adults
if necessary. In many cases, the problem has become “too big”
for her to handle alone.
Telling a child or group of children to “just work it out”
may not be helpful. Remember that female aggression is more difficult
to pinpoint and prove, so intervening in these situations may not be
“cut and dry.”
•Teach new skills. Girls can learn better ways for coping with
victimization which may include:
*Standing up to the bully verbally.
*Using humor.
*Walking away.
*Changing behaviors that provoke the bullying.
*Building healthy friendships with others that can be a support system.
*Probably the most important skill that can be taught to girls is how
to be assertive and straightforward in their expression of frustration
and anger.
•Foster self-esteem. Help her find ways to feel successful in
other areas of her life such as academics, hobbies, interests, athletics,
etc. When she has a strong base within herself, she is better able to
face social difficulties.
Helping the Bystander
•Send the message. All the kids you parent or work with should
know how you feel about bullying and that it’s not tolerated.
Kids should be held accountable for how they treat each other in effective,
consistent ways whether the setting is home, school, community groups/clubs,
sports teams, etc.
•Teach peaceful intervention. Adults can help kids learn how to
recognize unsafe and abusive relational patterns, and also how to intervene
peacefully. This is another way to reduce the isolation of a victim.
Adults should be committed to taking reports of relational aggression
seriously and assisting when necessary.
•Not helping is hurting. Teach kids that watching when someone
is abused or bullied is just as harmful as doing the bullying themselves.
Make sure that they know the proper channels for getting someone the
help they need if necessary.
Helping the Bully
•Let her know that you know. Bullies who use relational and passive
aggression to inflict pain on others believe that their behavior flies
“under the radar” with adults. Unfortunately, this is often
the case. Once you have detected the pattern, it is helpful to call
out the behavior. Even if the girl denies it, she knows that you are
aware of her tactics and may be more careful in the future.
•Teach acceptable ways of expressing anger. Girls tend to use
relational and passive aggression because it has been more socially
acceptable than physical aggression for them. If they are going to stop
the passive aggression, new and better ways need to be learned for coping
with and expressing anger. Once girls find success with these better
methods, they are more likely to reduce the abusive patterns.
•Hold subversive bullies accountable. Relational aggression can
literally ruin a girl’s self-esteem and positive outlook on life.
It is a form of harassment— NOT freedom of speech, as some believe.
These epidemic behaviors will decrease only when the aggressors are
held accountable and taught more acceptable means of interacting with
peers.
KidsPeace is a 124-year-old national children’s crisis charity
that works to give hope, help and healing to America’s children
facing crisis. Founded in Bethlehem, PA, KidsPeace helps thousands of
children at 63 centers each day through crises such as depression, violence,
abuse and neglect to eating disorders, modern stresses and depression.
KidsPeace reaches millions more around the world via prevention and
public education campaigns supported by its National Spokesperson Leeza
Gibbons, National Child Safety and Self-Esteem Icon RETRO BILL, Harvard’s
famed child expert Dr. Alvin Poussaint and Brown University child development
pioneer Dr. Lewis Lipsitt.
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